My name is Kiran James, and for as long as I can remember, I have lived with a peculiar intensity when it comes to love. I didn’t always have a word for it. As a teenager, I thought I was just overly romantic. As a young adult, I thought I was shy, unlucky, or perhaps too idealistic. What I was really experiencing was limerence a powerful, obsessive form of infatuation that takes root in the mind and heart, often against our will.
Like many who stumble upon the term, I first encountered limerence through the writings of psychologist Dorothy Tennov. Suddenly, the fog lifted. There was a name for the endless daydreaming, the compulsive checking, the crushing lows when a message went unanswered. It wasn’t madness. It wasn’t love in the traditional sense. It was limerence.
That realisation began my own healing journey, and it eventually led me to write The Grip of Limerence: Living with Obsessive Love and Finding Freedom.
Why this book?
I didn’t write this book as a psychologist or therapist. I wrote it as someone who has walked through limerence many times and felt the highs, the lows, and the despair that often comes with it. My goal was to create something I wish I’d had in my darkest moments: a guide that blends personal experience with psychological insight, offering both understanding and hope.
In the book, I explore:
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What limerence feels like, and how it differs from love.
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The causes and triggers, from childhood experiences to modern social media.
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The rituals such as re-reading messages, scanning for signals that keep limerence alive.
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Strategies for breaking free, including mindfulness, therapy, boundary-setting, and creative redirection.
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How to protect relationships and build secure love while managing limerence.
My personal story
For me, limerence has often been shaped by absence. My father wasn’t present in my early years, and I sometimes wonder if that left me searching for stability in others. At university, loneliness amplified my fixation on people who gave me the smallest signs of attention. Later, in the workplace, a smile or kind word could become the seed of weeks of obsessive thought.
I don’t share these details to dramatise my life, but to normalise the reality that many of us live with: limerence is not a moral failure. It is a human experience. And by speaking openly about it, we break down shame and create space for healing.
Why limerence matters today
In the digital age, limerence has new fuel. Platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and messaging apps mean we can track the lives of our limerent objects around the clock. A “like” can feel like intimacy. A “seen” message can feel like rejection. The cycle intensifies because technology keeps the limerent object in our pockets at all times.
That’s why I believe it’s important to talk about limerence now, not just as an abstract psychological concept, but as a lived experience affecting millions quietly scrolling, waiting, and longing.
From obsession to freedom
The central message of my book is simple: limerence is natural, but it is not destiny. It may arrive uninvited, but it does not have to control your life. With awareness, tools, and compassion, you can step out of the cycle of obsession and redirect that energy into self-discovery, creativity, and resilience.
Writing this book helped me make peace with my own experiences. It also gave me the chance to connect with others who recognise themselves in these words. Every time a reader tells me, “That’s exactly how I feel—I thought I was alone,” I am reminded why I chose to put these pages into the world.
An invitation
If you’ve ever felt consumed by longing, stuck replaying every detail of an interaction, or torn between euphoria and despair over someone else’s attention, this book is for you.
I invite you to journey with me through The Grip of Limerence: Living with Obsessive Love and Finding Freedom. Not as a clinical textbook, but as a companion part memoir, part guidebook, part roadmap for reclaiming your life from obsession.
Because while limerence may shape our stories, it does not have to define them.
Kiran James
Author of The Grip of Limerence: Living with Obsessive Love and Finding Freedom (USA), the UK version here.